Wonderfully Made...getting there

I am not allowed to complain about my body if I skip the gym. So, all day today I cannot have thoughts like "urgh that's not supposed to giggle."

Today I missed going to the gym. It's the second time this month. I had two reasons not to go. First, Matt had to be at work by 6 (which means he needed to leave in the middle of my workout time). Secondly, the Houston weather is playing havoc on my sinuses. I'm stuffed up and in pain. Blah.

Lately, I've been getting honest about my body image issues. I've had multiple conversation regarding my first marriage that I have brought up the fact my body image has been a big issue for a long time. I actually think my body image issues started while I was young. It's crazy how a person can say things (that are almost always not intended to hurt) to a child and it can last with them for years.

I look at pictures of myself from years past and realize just how thin I was. My goal weight today is the weight I was in my twenties (150) and when I was at that weight I wasn't happy. I wanted to be thinner. My hope is that my head gets healthy as I try to get my body healthy again. It's not going to be an overnight fix. I'm prepared to do a  lot of praying and reading and studying to get my mind straight in regards to the way God made me.

My goal is to, at all costs, not pass this along to my daughters. I want them to know that they are each unique. They are each handmade my our Father in Heaven. And just like other handmade items each pattern is slightly different.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well. Psalm 139:14

Successful Struggle

I've been successful with my food for the last day and half, but it has been a huge struggle. Like right now, I just finished lunch. I ate leftover turkey breast with lettuce on a wheat round and a side of leftover roasted squash. Note to self roast squash isn't as good the second day. Now I am having a battle with my mind. I know that I am satisfied physically with the food I ate, but my brain is scream just a few more carbs or something sweet. It's so bad at this moment that I am going to have the girls take a early nap so I can just sleep through my cravings.

My goal is to not sleep all the time because I can't - it's not realistic at all, but this week, today, it's what will help me be successful.

Last night I made dinner for me and decided that that was what the little girls would eat as well.

I got a roasted turkey breast from HEB which I paired with roasted squash and a new Suddenly Salad called Tuscan Grain. I hear you on the processed foods, but again I have to make some sacrifices to get through my first weeks without binge-ing.

I think it's one of the better "processed" foods. I mean there is brown rice, quinoa, and wheat berries in there. It was good and as you can see I measured the exact amount I could eat.

Bekah was not impressed with any of it, so she had blueberries. Morgan, on the other hand, loves roasted squash and pretty much cleaned her plate.

I wouldn't have been able to make it through yesterday without these two lifesavers.

 I picked them up on a whim will doing my weekly shopping, they were not cheap, but have help me to have a healthy alternative to my sweets craving. The CandyCot is so sweet that Matt can't even eat them.

So, things aren't terrible, but my body or shall I say my brain is talking to me and it's a pretty big struggle to not eat things I shouldn't .

This morning I made the girls biscuits and I knew I'd be craving them all day if I didn't have one. So, this was my breakfast.

I know I could have eaten a large quantity of something else, but I'm really trying to find what works for me.

I'm Back

If you are coming here from my blog, DanaRae, then you already know that I am revamping SkinnyTart to document the next 30 days (or longer) of my weightloss journey. I started this blog when my other was still called StrawberryTart just so you are up to speed regarding the name. I have no plans at this point to change the name at all.

So, what's new? Why now?

Last week I worked out with a group a trainer 5 days straight. Afterwards I signed up to continue 3 days a week for the next 30 days. I've decided to not waste my money by coming home after a work out and binge eating on M&M's, so I need accountability and support. That is why I am typing these words...you, who are reading this, are my accountability and support.

At this moment I don't feel that I want to share my current weight, but that may change as the week progresses. I will tell you that I got on the scale at the gym this morning and my body fat is at 50%. This is not a big shocker to me since most of my body shakes as I am walking down our stairs. My goal weight right now is about 40 pounds smaller then my current weight.

I don't expect to shed those 40 pounds over the next 4 weeks, but I am hoping to kick start my journey by at least losing 10.

My plan? Work out with a group and trainer on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Then continue Couch to 5K on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturdays. I'll probably take Sundays off unless I need to work off some unplanned calories.

I think I've got the exercise down or at least the plan down. Food is another story. Recently, it had become very clear that food is an addiction for me. I've had days over the past couple of weeks were I have eaten so much that I am literally sick at night. I don't like it. I dislike what it does to my waist line, but I really really dislike feeling like crap.

So, that's why I am here. It's my journey to not feel like crap anymore.

I really don't want to say how this posts will look on this blog because if I over plan too much I'll probably fail (at-least with writing - with eating I will over plan).

Thank you for supporting me during this journey!

First Food Friday

Welcome to Food Friday. This is where you get to see everything I have eaten for the past week.

This week is just Tuesday through Thursday – since I just started.

Breakfast: ¾ cup Honey Nut Cheerios, ½ cup 2% Milk, medium Banana. 280 Calories

Snack #1: Cutie California Clementine. 40 Calories

Lunch: Ham and Cheddar Cheese on a Kaiser Roll with a side of Carrots and Celery. 465 Calories

Snack #2: Yoplait Light. 100 Calories

Dinner: Skillet Lasagna (2 servings). 673 Calories

Snack #3: Gourmet Mixed Nuts. 170 Calories

Day Total: 1,728   ~I went over by 200 calories this day.

Breakfast: ¾ cup Honey Nut Cheerios, ½ cup 2% Milk. 171 Calories

Snack #1: Medium Banana. 109 Calories

Lunch: 2 Taco Bell Fresco Crunchy Tacos. 300 Calories

Snack #2: Rocky Road Bar and Clementine. 220 Calories

Dinner: Healthy Choice Fire Roasted Tomato Chicken. 320 Calories

Snack #3: Yoplait Light. 100 Calories

Day Total: 1,210

Breakfast: 1 cup of Apple Dappers Cereal and ½ cup 2 Milk. 171 Calories

Snack #1: 1 cup carrots, 1 cup celery and 1 wedge of Laughing Cow Cheese. 105 Calories

Lunch: Progresso Split Pea Soup, Baby herb salad with cheddar cheese and light raspberry vinaigrette, Yoplait light. 480 Calories

Snack #2: Oreo Cakester. 120 Calories

Dinner: ½ serving of Hungry Girl Chicken Cordon Bleu and Oven Roasted Potatoes. 246 Calories

Snack #3: Monster Cookie. 207 Calories

Day Total: 1,329

Before you say it – Yes, I know I need to get off of the prepackaged food. One step at a time.

What did you eat this week?

Gotta Love Water Weight and Biggest Loser

I love Water Weight. I don’t love gaining it, but I LOVE losing it. I stepped on the scale this morning and I am down to 182 pounds. Seven pounds in about 3 days. It was all water – I must of really packed in the sodium during the past few weeks. It is a good feeling, but I can’t get too cocky about the loss. I won’t even register it as an actual loss until Monday – we will see.

Did you hear that Biggest Loser started again Tuesday night? I must have been living under a rock because I completely missed it, but with the wonderful and great world that is HULU I was able to catch what I missed. It looks like it will be a good one – not 100% what color I am going for. I like Brown…maybe black…maybe purple – we will see how I feel after next week.

One thing I do have to say is I love Jillian’s hair!!! I so which my hair was that thick and long.

So here is to my third day back on track. I am having a blast – can’t wait for Food Friday – it has kept me so accountable!

Not a New Year's Resolution!

As I said on my SparkPeople Vlog last night: Me being back is not a product of some kind of New Year’s Resolution. Not that losing weight is Resolution or that Resolutions are bad – it is just not my reason. If it was the 3^rd week of February I would be back due to the past two weeks I have had.

I have felt like poo! Sluggish, unhealthy, too old feeling – poo. Could it be because I have not posted here since September? Could it be that since then I have been on a free for all in the food department? If it was fried and smothered it was on my plate. It finally caught up to me and I have felt awful the past two weeks.

On Thursday, December 30^th I made the decision that is enough is enough – as soon as I got home it was back to work on myself. I have no excuse – I can’t blame stress, hormones or even JAG – I have tried, but he just laughs. I stepped on my friend the scale yesterday and it said…

189

Yeap…that is three pounds less then my start weight – no wonder I feel like poo!

I just dug through pictures from vacation and I could post so many where I believe I look like poo, but I don’t think that is not productive. 2011 is the year of productive StrawberryTart!

So, I am here and I am back on SparkPeople full time – that means I track my food and I VLOG. I hope to keep you updated here with my daily achievements and struggles – we will see what evolves.

Food Fridays will start this Friday. Similar to What I Wore Wednesday, Food Fridays  is where I will document everything I have eaten during the past week (Fri thru Thurs night). I will be accountable to report not only a picture for everything, but also the nutritional standing.

Also, this week I am back on Couch to 5k! yeah ---- that should be YAY YAY YAY! I have 5k in my sights for April and I so so want to do it – we will see.

So, there you have it – am I back and the next time you see me I hope there will be less of me! We will see.

SW = 192

Restart Weight: 189

LW = 135 (long time ago)

GW = 150

UGW = 142

I weigh in every Monday – so if you just want to see if I am actually walking the walking then Monday’s are the day to check back.

I am getting no sponsorship from SparkPeople, I just believe that it is the most wonderful free support I have ever had. I welcome you to join me or even just go watch Vlogs if you want  - that is fine.

Click Here to Visit My Sparkpeople Page.

Click Here to go to SparkPeople Main Page.

My Battle

With the Camera. You thought it was something more dramatic, huh?

I have learned the past few days that I am not alone, but at the same time I my issues are in my head.

Take for instance this picture. From a photographic stand point it is perfect.

Taken by a talented man with a very handsome man by my side, but if I had it my way it would look like this.

I know...bad zoom job.

I know it is irritating for most that I am like this and I am trying my hardest to get over it. This issue (problem…defect) came to ahead Monday night when I received part of my bridal portraits – wish I could show you, but you know have to keep it a surprise. Again, perfect photography, perfect location, lighting…everything. Everything, but me or so I feel. I automatically started picked myself apart. Why do I do this? – no clue.

When I look in a mirror I don’t do it. I feel great, but when someone lays down a picture in front of me I cringe. The past two days I have been looking for things on self love and self esteem, but I don’t think that is it. It isn’t that easy to lump it into one condition or area of focus. I love myself, but I don’t love my body. I think I am pretty Awesome on most days – not trying to be big headed. I believe I have talents that are unique to me and try my hardest not to compare the talents God has given me to the talents he has given others.

During last week’s sermon Jay Bakker asked “Are you being who God created you to be in all your unique-ness?” I would say “Definitely! But on the inside.” I love the women I have become. I just don’t love the body I have become it in. Does that make sense?

I hear you…Well get off your chubby butt and do something about it. The question I pose to myself is – Now matter what weight I am will I always call myself fat?

To get over my issue with the camera – I have signed on (meaning I am doing it-I didn’t sign anything) to do What I Wore Wednesday and link with Pleated Poppy. I have been sitting on it for 3 weeks now, so today I started. I posted just one picture, but it’s a step in the right direction, right?

Here it is

And here is the entry at StrawberryTart!. Read it here.  

Thank you. Thank you for readying. Thank you for listening to my mental babbling.