Not a New Year's Resolution!

As I said on my SparkPeople Vlog last night: Me being back is not a product of some kind of New Year’s Resolution. Not that losing weight is Resolution or that Resolutions are bad – it is just not my reason. If it was the 3^rd week of February I would be back due to the past two weeks I have had.

I have felt like poo! Sluggish, unhealthy, too old feeling – poo. Could it be because I have not posted here since September? Could it be that since then I have been on a free for all in the food department? If it was fried and smothered it was on my plate. It finally caught up to me and I have felt awful the past two weeks.

On Thursday, December 30^th I made the decision that is enough is enough – as soon as I got home it was back to work on myself. I have no excuse – I can’t blame stress, hormones or even JAG – I have tried, but he just laughs. I stepped on my friend the scale yesterday and it said…

189

Yeap…that is three pounds less then my start weight – no wonder I feel like poo!

I just dug through pictures from vacation and I could post so many where I believe I look like poo, but I don’t think that is not productive. 2011 is the year of productive StrawberryTart!

So, I am here and I am back on SparkPeople full time – that means I track my food and I VLOG. I hope to keep you updated here with my daily achievements and struggles – we will see what evolves.

Food Fridays will start this Friday. Similar to What I Wore Wednesday, Food Fridays  is where I will document everything I have eaten during the past week (Fri thru Thurs night). I will be accountable to report not only a picture for everything, but also the nutritional standing.

Also, this week I am back on Couch to 5k! yeah ---- that should be YAY YAY YAY! I have 5k in my sights for April and I so so want to do it – we will see.

So, there you have it – am I back and the next time you see me I hope there will be less of me! We will see.

SW = 192

Restart Weight: 189

LW = 135 (long time ago)

GW = 150

UGW = 142

I weigh in every Monday – so if you just want to see if I am actually walking the walking then Monday’s are the day to check back.

I am getting no sponsorship from SparkPeople, I just believe that it is the most wonderful free support I have ever had. I welcome you to join me or even just go watch Vlogs if you want  - that is fine.

Click Here to Visit My Sparkpeople Page.

Click Here to go to SparkPeople Main Page.

My Battle

With the Camera. You thought it was something more dramatic, huh?

I have learned the past few days that I am not alone, but at the same time I my issues are in my head.

Take for instance this picture. From a photographic stand point it is perfect.

Taken by a talented man with a very handsome man by my side, but if I had it my way it would look like this.

I know...bad zoom job.

I know it is irritating for most that I am like this and I am trying my hardest to get over it. This issue (problem…defect) came to ahead Monday night when I received part of my bridal portraits – wish I could show you, but you know have to keep it a surprise. Again, perfect photography, perfect location, lighting…everything. Everything, but me or so I feel. I automatically started picked myself apart. Why do I do this? – no clue.

When I look in a mirror I don’t do it. I feel great, but when someone lays down a picture in front of me I cringe. The past two days I have been looking for things on self love and self esteem, but I don’t think that is it. It isn’t that easy to lump it into one condition or area of focus. I love myself, but I don’t love my body. I think I am pretty Awesome on most days – not trying to be big headed. I believe I have talents that are unique to me and try my hardest not to compare the talents God has given me to the talents he has given others.

During last week’s sermon Jay Bakker asked “Are you being who God created you to be in all your unique-ness?” I would say “Definitely! But on the inside.” I love the women I have become. I just don’t love the body I have become it in. Does that make sense?

I hear you…Well get off your chubby butt and do something about it. The question I pose to myself is – Now matter what weight I am will I always call myself fat?

To get over my issue with the camera – I have signed on (meaning I am doing it-I didn’t sign anything) to do What I Wore Wednesday and link with Pleated Poppy. I have been sitting on it for 3 weeks now, so today I started. I posted just one picture, but it’s a step in the right direction, right?

Here it is

And here is the entry at StrawberryTart!. Read it here.  

Thank you. Thank you for readying. Thank you for listening to my mental babbling.