My Battle

With the Camera. You thought it was something more dramatic, huh?

I have learned the past few days that I am not alone, but at the same time I my issues are in my head.

Take for instance this picture. From a photographic stand point it is perfect.

Taken by a talented man with a very handsome man by my side, but if I had it my way it would look like this.

I know...bad zoom job.

I know it is irritating for most that I am like this and I am trying my hardest to get over it. This issue (problem…defect) came to ahead Monday night when I received part of my bridal portraits – wish I could show you, but you know have to keep it a surprise. Again, perfect photography, perfect location, lighting…everything. Everything, but me or so I feel. I automatically started picked myself apart. Why do I do this? – no clue.

When I look in a mirror I don’t do it. I feel great, but when someone lays down a picture in front of me I cringe. The past two days I have been looking for things on self love and self esteem, but I don’t think that is it. It isn’t that easy to lump it into one condition or area of focus. I love myself, but I don’t love my body. I think I am pretty Awesome on most days – not trying to be big headed. I believe I have talents that are unique to me and try my hardest not to compare the talents God has given me to the talents he has given others.

During last week’s sermon Jay Bakker asked “Are you being who God created you to be in all your unique-ness?” I would say “Definitely! But on the inside.” I love the women I have become. I just don’t love the body I have become it in. Does that make sense?

I hear you…Well get off your chubby butt and do something about it. The question I pose to myself is – Now matter what weight I am will I always call myself fat?

To get over my issue with the camera – I have signed on (meaning I am doing it-I didn’t sign anything) to do What I Wore Wednesday and link with Pleated Poppy. I have been sitting on it for 3 weeks now, so today I started. I posted just one picture, but it’s a step in the right direction, right?

Here it is

And here is the entry at StrawberryTart!. Read it here.  

Thank you. Thank you for readying. Thank you for listening to my mental babbling.

What is it Going to Take?

Ever ask yourself that? I did yesterday.

JAG and I felt like crap all weekend. Why you ask…our bodies are telling us “Enough with the crap you have been putting in me. I am going to rebel and see if you get the hint.” I feel like poo!

So what is going to take?  What will get me back on track? What do I need to do to realize this weight isn’t just going to drop off of me especially standing in line at a Pizza Buffet?

If you stumbled upon my blog today, I am sorry. I have no tips or advice for you today. I am lost. I have fallen of the wagon, rolled to the side of the road and cried because the wagon is five miles up the road and I have no clue how to get back on it.

JAG and I have found the good and the bad sides of losing weight together. When we are motivated we are AWESOME together, but when one of us falls off we grab the other and drag him or her to nearest deep fried eatery. We love food, we love each other and we love food. So we love to eat food together. Big downfall.

It kind of feels like two addicts, I want him to do well and I want to do well, but it harder then anything to get both of us back on the wagon lately. We are done justifying…that is a good thing, but at the same time we are in the “oh who cares” mood about our weight and that is not good at all. I need to do better to help him and he needs to do better to help me.

I have got to get motivated! I actually let Shelby take this picture of me and at the time I thought, “eh I am ok with myself like this…I don’t need to lose weight.” Then I got sick that afternoon from overeating pizza. That and trying on my now tailored wedding dress has led me to this post.

Hello, my name is StrawberryTart and I am a food addict. First step, right?

Note to Myself: I am so MAD at You!

Dear Not Ever Going to Be Skinny Tart –

184! Really? 184. You have got to be kidding me! You weighed in at 180 Friday night! You were so close to breaking into that 170 area. You could have done it, but you got an attitude thinking that you were doing so awesome and you deserve a little break. So where did you go? Huh? Go ahead…tell your readers! Yeap, Cheesecake Factory and you yanked JAG right off the wagon with you.

Shoving fattening food in your mouth didn’t end there did it? Saturday morning you just had to have the Cheese Danish at Starbucks…wonder how many calories that was. On Sunday you did better with toast for breakfast and lunch wasn’t too bad, but I soon as you proclaimed “I am an emotional eater” when the chicken fried chicken was placed before you for dinner I knew it was over.

I thought Monday morning when you woke up to find your engagement ring was tight on your fat swollen finger that you would get the hint, but I was so wrong! By 8 pm Monday night you were saying “Ah another piece of pizza.” Then, you fell into the trap of dessert pizza. I hope all that apple crumble goodness was worth it because you are now four pounds heavier!

Get Your Act Together!

Me

Dear Me –

I am fully aware of your disappointment and I am sorry. I after getting on the scale this morning I did put on a cute dress that shows my legs…I think they are getting thinner (maybe not from this angle, but still).

Then, in hopes of keeping myself inline I put on my 10 pound reward earrings from Funky Vintage Kitchen.

I proceed into my kitchen and decided I should not take leftover pizza for lunch. So I made a better decision.

I think that is my theme for today…I will make a better decision then yesterday and then things will get better.

Thank you for the tough love

StrawberryTart!-I will be SkinnyTart someday!

Here We Go!

You have no idea how long it has taken me to make myself type this blog entry. I have had my blog header made for some time now.

So Introduction Time!

You came here one of 3 ways (I think).

1. You know me from StrawberryTart! If so, welcome. This means that you are a friend, family or a random reader (who I love just as much as the other two).
2. You know me from Spark People! YAY! That is soooo Awesome!
3. You randomly came across me in a search or by hitting “next blog!”

No matter how you got here I welcome you! I know that you are here for one of three things.

1. You are NOSEY! Nosey Nosey…no worries I am the queen of nosey. Be nosey all you want. I am so going to tell you how much a weigh too! Ooohh! And post nasty before pics…aren’t you excited! Yoohoo!
2. You are here to support me in my journey! Ahhh I love you for that!
3. You have no clue, but you love my header! I know…me too!

Again, no matter what reason you are here, Welcome! Big Cyber Hug to you!

Now, about me in case you need a re-fresher course.

My name is Dana, otherwise known as StrawberryTart! In the blogging world. I have been blogging for two years now and I love it! It is the best, free therapy there is, at least for me. I plan on continuing with two blogs. In StrawberryTart! I will continue to give you my life and here at SkinnyTart! I will give you my weight loss journey.

Ah yes…the reason you are here…I am fat. Actually if you look at the charts and that dang Wii fit I am obese. Don’t you just love that word? Obese.

How did I get here?

I wish I could write out paragraphs about how this isn’t my fault, but it would all be a lie. I got myself to this point.

I am going to be lazy and share with you what I told the wonderful people at Spark People.

In 1977 I was born a healthy 10lb baby…I say that is the start of it all (I seriously know it’s not). I was never a small petite child like my sister. I would say it was elementary school when I caught up to my sister in clothing size even though she was three older then me. I was never considered to be the “fat kid” at school, but I was one of the tallest girls. I believe I got to my current height of 5 foot 4 inches (6 inches in good heals) when I was in junior high.

Looking back on pictures of Junior High and High School I could kick myself for thinking I was overweight. I spent many many years comparing myself to girls who did not have the same body structure as me and in turn began what I thought was “dieting” my freshman year in high school. If someone said it would make me thin I would do it: diet pills, diuretics or not eating at all.

When I was 18, I went to work for a major weight loss company. At the time I was 135 pounds and felt still that I needed to lose more weight. That didn’t happen. Actually, after going up and down I landed at 160 when I was 23. Then my world changed. After years and years of being obsessed with my weight I found my self pregnant. I took this as an excuse for an all out free for all and gained an unhealthy amount of weight during my pregnancy with my daughter. When I gave birth on September 13, 2001 I weighed 224 pounds. I thought for sure those 60 pounds would leave my body the moment I checked out of the hospital (stupid young girl).


During the past 8, almost nine years, my weight has fluctuated. When I was married I was about 170. Normally when people get divorced they lose weight, not me. My weight and calorie intake was such a priority for my x-husband that as soon as we split and had another free-for all and gained 20 pounds.

So here I am today, two years after my divorce weighing 192 pounds. During the past two years I have stopped smoking, but that is no excuse…I was this weight before I stopped smoking. I pretty much have just been maintaining.


My daily obstacles are all me! Me! Me! Me! I normally do not put my health first. Fast Food is easy when you have a schedule packed full. I even had a moment where I thought…I am happy with myself I am good at this size (trying to fool myself). Then last week my knees started hurting…I realized I hadn’t taken the stairs at work for the past month because it was so embarrassing to be that out of breath in front of my co-workers. I even un-tag pictures of myself on facebook because I can stand to look at myself, head shots only at this point.

So, there you have it. That is my story and my first post on this blog! Woohoo!


Again, Welcome! Come back tomorrow for the embarrassing before pics, measurements, and my weight as of today (intro was a few weeks ago).

Don’t worry…I am not embarrassed. I want this. I want you to read…I need your help!